Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
