Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
