Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
why is half of my head shaved?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
