its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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