i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
