Kareoke will never be a sober sport
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
