I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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