Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
