last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
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just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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