Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
