Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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