You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
