I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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