i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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