dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
