oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
