at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
