Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
