my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
