Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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