Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
you never un-have a 4some
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
