I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
