dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
