If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
