i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
MIDGETS
????
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
