My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
