On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
