In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
