If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
