just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
