Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
