She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Please don't give away my fajitas
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