The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
