The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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