Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
