I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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