i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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