1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
