imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
is wine microwaveable?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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