if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
