Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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