so that wasnt chicken after all
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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