you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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