i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
