Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
