I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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