Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
