We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
