ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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