Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
