Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
