It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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