Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
