So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
