That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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