Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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