drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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