i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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