I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
