Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
